Stand Up

At what point does a mother have to step in to defend her twelve year old child from being bullied? That seems like a pretty cut and dry question, doesn't it? Especially when your child has conditions like ADHD and PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), which puts him in the Autism Spectrum. The problem is that I'm attempting to raise a young man who can stand up for himself and by rushing to the school for every incident instead of advocating that he report it himself seems to be counterproductive. What happens when the bullying becomes violent or sexually harassing? That is when every bit of 'mother bear' in you leaps forward, ready to take on anything or everything.

But, what if the bully harassing your son happens to be a girl?

A few months ago, my son began complaining about the outlandish behavior of a girl a grade higher than himself on the bus. I urged him to go to his guidance counselor regarding this right away. His school teaches grades sixth through eighth, each grade has its own designated guidance counselor. His guidance counselor immediately passed the buck and directed my son to speak with the bully's grade's guidance counselor. However, no matter how many times my son attempted to gain an audience with the eighth grade guidance counselor he could never get it. My son goes to a magnet school and all of his classes are gifted/advanced. My son makes amazing grades, rarely does he even bring home a B. He does this all on his own. With the intensity of the classes that he takes missing class time actually hurts. They've got so much to learn in such a small amount of time everyday, taking even twenty-minutes to address this situation means that he's missed something vital.

David came home on January 12th telling me about the same girl on the bus stabbing him with what he referred to as a 'softball cut in half with a thumbtack sticking out of it' and she threatened to send things and people over to his home to molest him if he did not give her ten dollars for 'crack money'. The 'crack money' demand has been an ongoing theme since October of last year.

I, like most people, work. I do have the luxury of working from home, but it is a job where I am required to stay on the phone and to be dedicated to my inbound customers needs so I have a set schedule. By the time I got off of work that day to hear about this I immediately called the school to speak with the guidance counselor. She had already gone home for the day as had most of the other personnel. I left a message with the adult office assistant to have the guidance counselor call me back. The following day I did not hear from her and my son verified that the girl had not lessened her antics in the least. I called the school again, but it was after I had gotten off of work so everyone that I wanted to speak with had already left. This time I was forwarded to her voice mail and I left her a message. She called back the next day. Now we are on January 14th, a Friday, but apparently the girl was not in school that day.

My son filled out four pages full of accusations against this girl. From menial bits of bullying to full blown stuff that really makes you wonder what is wrong with this child. The guidance counselor stated that she understood that this was serious situation and that she would take care of it. In reality, she handed the situation off to the Vice Principle to speak with her. To a certain degree I understand that my son's guidance counselor over sees the seventh graders, so therefor this eighth grade girl was, to a point, out of her 'jurisdiction'.

We rolled into a nice four day week-end after that. Come Wednesday she's still harassing my son as though nothing has been done. I urge my son to give it one more day, that I was confident that it would be taken care of tomorrow. I try to call the school, no one answers. Thursday comes and my son reports that she punched him and kept shrieking into his ear repetitively. I've just spoken with the guidance counselor earlier that day and she tells me she is sending home his 504 plan for me to review and sign. She tells me that the Vice Principle handled the situation so I assume that that means that there will be no further incidents. That evening, after hearing about the further harassment, I sign the 504 plan and I include a note that states if this situation is not taken care of I will be escalating it. I am trying so hard not to be a psycho-mom, not to be irate and out of line and marching in to the school's office and making the situation even worse. The guidance counselor stated that she would pick up the 504 plan from my son the following day so I feel that it will be addressed. Friday comes and goes, the girl continues her behavior and my son still has his 504 plan. The weekend cools me down.

I got off of work half an hour late yesterday. I had one of the most belligerent customers on the phone that just did not know when to stop talking and listen. He'd ask me to explain something to him and then immediately begin arguing with whatever he did not like. I explained the same things to him four times before the call finally ended. I spent fifteen minutes writing up a report for my company's vendor manager regarding this customer. I walk out into the rest of the house and I call to my daughter to let her know that we need to hurry before the post office closes. I am instead met by my son as he completely explodes. He paces, he's frantic, he's angry. He tells me that today, among other things, that she stuck a maxi pad to his backpack.. I am still emotionally drained and my blood pressure is still raised from dealing with my last customer of the day. I am not ready for this sort of emotional explosion. I become angry along with him and I grab the phone and place another pointless phone call to an empty school.

A few decisions follow my son's outburst. I go onto the school website and I log a bullying complaint to the school district. I call my supervisor and tell her to get someone to cover my shift. I jot down the superintendent's name and contact information. I post a witty, macabre mother bear facebook status update. I did everything but smear on some warpaint or sacrifice a virgin. I was ready to do battle.

Today is January 25th, we are now thirteen days from the point when I first attempted to contact the school regarding this issue, nearly two weeks. I made certain that I was dressed nicely with my hair and makeup done. I waited patiently in the front office. I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted them to listen to what I had to say. I told the secretary that I wanted to speak with the Principle or the Vice Principle, which ever one is available. The Principle walks by me a few times, the secretary says nothing. I ask her if that was the the Principle, she agrees but tells me that I need to speak with the Vice Principle first. A man comes out and tells another parent waiting in the office that the Vice Principle is busy observing a classroom and wont be available for a while. The Principle comes back through the office and stops to ask the secretary who the parents are waiting for. They speak for a moment and then the Principle looks at me.

"I actually asked for either the Principle or the Vice Principle, whichever one is available. It sounds like the Vice Principle is busy right now though," I say. He nods and furrows his brow in confusion. He invites me into a conference room.

I like this man, he loves his job and it is apparent with everything he does. The fact that he is retiring means that our school system is losing a great asset. When I dumped this on him he was flabbergasted by the whole event. He hadn't been informed of it, and really hadn't needed to be if the Guidance Counselor and Vice Principle had taken care of it like they were supposed to. But here I was laying it down for him, he took a long moment to think. He apologized and asked if he could be excused to go get the Guidance Counselor and an Assistant Principle.

The Assistant Principle I felt bad for. This was her second day on the job, but she owned her position. Perhaps it was a good thing it was her second day because she is still in that honeymoon phase of wanting to impress people.

The Guidance Counselor was grace under fire although I know she had to have felt that I was attacking her in some way by dragging the Principle and now the Assistant Principle into this. She attempted to pass the blame to my son, stating that he never came to her about the issues after his initial report of them on January 14th. My reply? He didn't have to do anything after he gave her four pages of accusations. That girl should have been reprimanded based on that alone. Anything else my son reported is secondary.

When I was in eighth grade I shaving creamed a boy at the bus stop one morning. Crying, he ran home to change his clothes and he missed the bus. His mother drove him to school and raised hell about what I had done. I was suspended from school for two days. Shaving creaming someone, while it was still not a good decision on my part, is a prank. It was not meant to be malicious and honestly was the most malicious act I ever did against anyone my entire Junior High school career. The same day I committed the act, I had my punishment served to me. There was not a near two week waiting period. I came home and cried and trembled while my mother screamed at me. This is the same school system and the same grades involved. While I understand that my incident was almost twenty years ago, what has really changed since then? My son's school is plastered with Anti-Bullying propaganda, it's a media topic for crying out loud. You would think that this would be handled swiftly. Maybe if my son had been a girl and he had been harassed by a boy in these manners, they would have acted quicker? Could this just be a case of sexual discrimination?

I 'held court' with these three school officials this morning and the new Assistant Principle took ownership of the situation. I was promised results and that they would speak with the Vice Principle and find out why he hadn't held up his end of the deal.

The one question that everyone had to ask is 'what about the bus driver?' Bus drivers have a job on a whole that I do not envy, especially once you get to middle and high school students. They are trying to drive a school bus full of screaming, obnoxious tweens and teens to and from school. Did I mention the part about driving? I can barely drive with my two kids fighting in the car, let alone forty more. If the school bus driver doesn't catch a glimpse of the wrong doing in his mirror between swerving to miss people coming home from Happy Hour or any other possible catastrophe on the road, he's oblivious. He's most likely just trying to get the little heathens safely off of the bus so he can go home and consume large amounts of Southern Comfort before he has to get up the next morning and do it all over again all the while counting down the days until retirement. While it is a bus driver's job to transport our students safely back and forth to school, it is impossible for them to be both drill sergeant and driver.

I did urge my son to tell the bus driver, to write a note and slip it to the driver in the morning as he is getting on the bus -- Anything! -- but my son never did it. It is difficult to gain a private audience with the bus driver without the other students overhearing that you're snitching. With my son's conditions (I hate that term!) he very much so lives for the moment. I tell him the night before to write a note and give it to the bus driver, by the next morning he has forgotten. It is no longer a compelling situation for him. He has vented to mom and he has slept; he feels loved, understood and safe. Now he's going to go back out into the world optimistic that it is going to be a great day, just to have it all squashed again. The Guidance Counselor wanted to know why when she approached my son at lunch over the last week and asked him how he was doing that he never told her that the harassment has continued. That answer is really simpler than she may believe. You are approaching a twelve year old boy in front of his male friends (and the young lady that he's been trying to impress since fifth grade) and you are asking him to tell you whether or not that girl is still bullying you. Now, my son may be the more sensitive type, but I assure you he is all male and has the pride to prove it. He isn't going to confess to this embarrassing situation in a public setting.

Hours have passed and finally the Assistant Principle has called me with an update. The bus driver and the superintendent for public education transportation have been alerted. A bullying form has been received and the school received a call from whomever I contacted with that website last night. They spoke with my son and with the girl. The girl apparently is a good student without any known behavior problems. She sat in the office and cried and volunteered to write an apology note to my son. Her parents were called. The Assistant Principle assures me that if I had met this girl in any other setting I would not have believed she would have done any of those things. That I would say 'Wow, you're a really nice girl, but boy did you just make some really bad decisions.' I feel a little pang of guilt, remembering my own really dumb decision with the can of shaving cream almost twenty years ago and for all intents and purposes I had been a pretty nice girl myself. Then I am reminded, she punched my son and punctured him with something sharp. She stuck a maxi pad to his backpack. Maybe she is a 'really nice girl', but she wasn't behaving like it. I'm going to hope that perhaps this whole situation was the ounce of intervention that was needed to stop a 'really nice girl' from completely screwing up. Her actions are her own, and if this was unbecoming of her normal behavior or how she perceives herself then she needed this wake up call. But really this girl is not my concern. My own children are my concern.

I'm frustrated by the whole thing; that it was allowed to go this far. That I sat back for months and pushed for my son to be proactive and report her himself. But that is not like him, he is still working on that sort of ... ability? I refuse to ever throw my hands up in the air and say 'It's his condition, he just can't!' and then spend the next fifty years coddling my son, who would become a man-child who doesn't know how to take responsibility for himself. I am raising him to not view his conditions as a disability, but an ability. He has such a unique perspective and feelings about the world around us that he is an asset to our future. He will have to learn to champion for himself because mom isn't always going to be there. When he's thirty years old I can't go to his job and report to his boss that a coworker has been stealing his lunch from the break room. I do feel justified though, once the situation turned physical I had every right to step in. I just wish my son -- and the school system -- hadn't allowed it to get that far.